It's been hard to get out of bed. I've been late to meet my groups far more than usual because of it, and it just made me feel worst. But I didn't feel comfortable talking to people about it - I mean, it just didn't feel like something you should be sharing with others about. The unhappiness. The dissatisfaction you have for life and things in it. I'm not going to list it out, but let's just say it's not been easy. In fact, it hasn't felt easy in ages (but then I'm slowly weaning out of my teenage dramatisms, so, could be less.)
I don't want to sound as if I'm whining, and I've given a lot of thought to making and creating a blog for this. But there's no one in my life I can tell without looks of worry all around (although that feels nice and helps little), or hugs or anything. I don't know how to react to these things. I'm still struggling to be more human, but...it's been a long climb. There just seems to be an invisible wall between me and the emotions that makes us human.
I mean, I do laugh and cry and feel unhappy, but they don't last all that long. I have this idea that just because I did one thing wrong, the next day people will forget it, but they don't. People are not like me, they only see what you do, not what you are. But then the whole world hinges on that idea, that you prove who you are by what you do. And I'm just so tired of it. The emotions keep bouncing everywhere in me, and I can't escape it. I can't tell anyone about it because I'm so paranoid about being sent to an asylum, being shunned (although that wouldn't be that bad of an idea), or worse.
I feel like I'm just throwing all of my upset here, but I suppose in a way it is.
I just want this to stop. I just want a do-over, but there isn't one in life. To some, last year was their worst year. To me, this year isn't looking all that bright either.
I've just been trying to figure out what I've been feeling. It feels like depression and bipolar mixed together. The tangled black knot doesn't ever disappear, just covered by whatever emotion I happen to be feeling at the moment. And when I'm not, I think of what a failure I am as a teenager and feel like slitting my wrist (which I have done before but have been doggedly trying not to relapse into).
Whatever I'm feeling now, I know it's not healthy. but I have no idea what or how to do it. Every time I want to talk to someone, there's always an almost unsaid contract where they would somehow, someday, blab to my family and it would all be over. And that worry makes it harder for me to be here, in the moment, trying to be happy.
But I'm starting to feel better. I don't feel like as much of a wreck now. But there's still more to do.
